Therapy Session 12/21/09

I'm late in getting this post up, but it just came to mind. As of the 21st, the focus of my vacation was (is) supposed to be to mentally regroup and refocus my attention to my quest to find my libido. The fall was a wash with the myriad of medical issues that took priority over everything, and before I knew it Thanksgiving and Christmas blew through and preparations and festivities were on my mind.

I did start using the Cromolyn (vestibulitis treatment) again, so I did manage to take that small step. There was also a bit of "play time" together last week, more focused on him than me, but I was trying to go with the counselor's previous suggestion of going with what I feel open to rather than waiting for a sexual idea or mood to strike. He enjoyed it, and I was happy to participate, and happy that he was happy.

I'm still trying to find the part of myself that craves this, wants this, needs this. I get frustrated with this part of the therapy process. I feel like it should be there. It should be easy to access. It seems to come so easily to other people. I don't quite understand why this is such a struggle for me. And at those times, when it's quiet and I find myself at a loss, it's tempting to throw in the towel. I lack patience with myself. I always have, and I'm a perfectionist, which doesn't help. I expect to get things at my first attempt, and when that doesn't happen I get frustrated. You get the idea...

I have an appointment on Sunday, and part of me feels like I've had time to myself to work on this and I SHOULD have some big story or revelation or break-through to report. And really I'm just where I was two weeks ago, which is better (I suppose) than where I was a year ago, but not where I feel I should be after just over a year of working with the therapist. I think, maybe, I had hoped to be "cured" by this point.

This came up during a conversation with a friend (who has more issues than National Geographic) and her immediate response was "Poor (insert my husband's name here)". I just felt awful hearing that comment. I immediately went on the defensive saying, "He knew about this problem years before we got married. We had multiple conversations about it, and options he should consider, etc. He still wanted to be with me and get married. It's not like I pretended to be an overly sexual person before we got married only to change how I acted once the honeymoon ended." She didn't understand what I was saying. This is someone who places a high level of importance on sex. She can't fathom what it would feel like to not have a sex drive, and doesn't appear to be open to attempting to try to understand. Her suggestions can all be reduced to "just do it". Which would be easy if I wanted to do that.

The only way I can think to explain the feeling is to imagine planning a meal of foods you know you enjoy, and then finally sitting down to the meal, but not having an appetite (to the point of not even wanting to touch the food). When I explained it that way to my husband (years ago) he seemed to understand.

I seem to have lost the original point of my post. I really just wanted to give an update: I am still working. I still feel lost and frustrated, and I hope to make some progress in the near future.

And to my friend (who doesn't know about this blog, but I'm posting this more to vent than for any other reason): spare me the pity and get your own life together.

To those of you who have sent messages of encouragement and support: Thank you. I'll continue to keep you posted.

Friday Fill-Ins on Saturday

We had a wonderful Christmas, and I have to say I was spoiled by my husband and family. I'm enjoying some peace and laziness today after the week's preparations and celebrations.

I hope (if you celebrate Chistmas) that your day yesterday was just as you wanted it to be.

And now, the (late) Friday Fill-Ins.

1. My boots are pretty old and in need of replacement.
2. I wonder what scientific advancements will be made by the end of this century.
3. Imitation vanilla extract seems to work just as well when baking.
4. How many people take the time to just sit together and talk?
5. I'd like some energy at the moment.
6. Which is better: get under it or get over it?
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a quiet night home, and Sunday, I want to do something fun (tbd) !

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all who are celebrating today.
I hope you enjoy a peaceful day with some wishes fulfilled.

Life is full of sweet surprises, everyday's a gift
The sun comes up and I can feel it lift my sprit
It fills me up with laughter, it fills me up with song
I look into the eyes of love and know that I belong
Bless us all, who gather here
The loving family I hold dear
No place on Earth, compares with home
And every path will bring me back from where I roam

Bless us all, that as we live
We always comfort and forgive
We have so much that we can share

With those in need we see around us everywhere
Let us always love each other
Lead us toward the light
Let us hear the voice of reason
Singing in the night

Let us run from anger
And catch when we fall
Teach us in our dreams and please, yes, please
Bless us one and all
Bless us all with playful years
With noisy games and joyous tears
We reach for you, and we stand tall
And in our prayers and dreams we ask you bless us all
We reach for you, and we stand tall
And in our prayers and dreams we ask you bless us all
(begins to cough as song ends)

3 Wishes HNT

This was a tough theme this week.

Here are my wishes for three fellow bloggers.
Don't forget to go to O's.

Ry has a lot of life decisions coming up, so my gifts to (wishes for) him would be a compass to help him find the right path and a Magic 8 Ball to help offer unbiased advice in his decision making.

Ben has been working long hours lately and hasn't had much of an opportunity to blog. My gifts to (wishes for) him would be a personal assistant and a few extra hours in the day to free up some time for blogging, family time and fun.

Barefoot Dreamer has a hectic holiday coming up. My gifts to (wishes for) her would be a time machine to freeze time in order to enjoy a quiet peaceful holiday at home before traveling and a full spa day to recuperate afterward.

And to all of my other blogger friends out there, I wish you a Merry Christmas filled with whatever it is that makes you happy on the holiday.

Displays of Affection

A friend of mine stopped by for a quick visit yesterday. It was a pleasant visit, lots of chatting and looking at ornaments on the Christmas tree, etc. At some point in the visit my husband came home from work, met us in the dining room and gave me a kiss hello. He excused himself to go upstairs to change, and when he left the room the following conversation occurred:

Friend: "Does he do that all of the time?"
Me: "Do what all of the time?"
Friend: "Kiss you when he comes home from work."
Me: "Um, it depends on who comes home first, but someone kisses someone hello."
Friend: "Wow. I'm not used to that."
Me: "Really? (Insert ex-boyfriend's name here) didn't kiss you when he saw you?"
Friend: "Not really. I think maybe once or twice." "It wasn't something that was modeled for either of us (This friend is obsessed with psychobabble.) when we were younger. I think I saw my parents hug once."

The conversation continued for a bit, but it left me thinking.

My parents were (and still are) always very affectionate with each other in front of us. They always kissed hello and good-bye. They cuddled on the couch together. They had date nights. My dad still buys her flowers for no reason. If my mom goes shopping and sees something she thinks my dad might like she buys it for him (usually some type of sweet). There was never a need to question how they felt about each other. There was an occasional argument. I really only remember one or two. There was / is a lot of love there, and they were sure to let the other know.

If I remember correctly from conversations my husband and I had when we were dating, his parents were less affectionate than mine. Still, he's very comfortable with "PDA" (more so than I am), and he's very affectionate.

Despite the lack of sexual activity that occurs under our roof we do kiss and cuddle and hold hands. He sneaks up behind me in the kitchen and just holds me. We never leave, come home or go to sleep without a kiss. "I love you" is said multiple times throughout the day.

I think I just assumed, based on my parents' relationship and my relationship with my husband, that the amount of physical affection we show is "normal". After last night's conversation, I'm not so sure.

What's normal in your house?